In this new life, it doesn’t matter if you
are a Jew or a Gentile, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbaric, uncivilized,
slave, or free. Christ is all that
matters, and he lives in all of us! Colossians 3:11
(NLT)
If you were awake yesterday while you were listening
or reading, you may have been surprised (or not) at the extensive list of
differences between my bride and me. You
might have thought, “How in the world have they stayed together close to
half-a-century and not killed each other?”
Trust me; Elizabeth has wondered that at times too!
Pheromones
and Familiarity (Chemicals and Curiosity)
Of the possible reasons why personality diversity
works in a marriage, social scientists have suggested that pheromones (the
chemical attraction) and familiarity, our innate curiosity about those who are
different (opposites attract theory) are what bind “odd bedfellows” together.
I don’t doubt that there is some connection here, but
the sparks of romance and the “new” of something different only go so far. Remember the old saying, “Looks don’t last,
but cookin’ do”? Romance (the pheromone,
animal attraction) is perhaps enough to
get our attention, but romance will ebb and flow, with “flowing” getting
the top billing. Romance is not bad,
but, with all apologies to John Lennon, Love is all you need just ain’t
true! There has to be something
more.
And curiosity can’t be the answer
to what holds people together either; remember that’s what killed the cat.
In many discussions over the years about how
differently we think, Elizabeth and I have come to the conclusion that it is Christ
living inside both of us that makes all the difference about the
differences. He is “holy glue” in this
“holy mixture of a marriage”! There is
no other satisfactory explanation.
It’s a sad commentary on our culture, particularly in
America, that pheromones and our cultural preoccupation with sex take center
stage, while the weightier issues of relationship fade into the background. Those weightier issues are, of course,
integrity, sexual purity and the respect of persons that go along with
such. You cannot begin to understand the
ultimate and inestimable worth of another human being when you treat that
person as a sexual target, or as casual acquaintance. Genuine relationship must explore more deeply
than pheromones or familiarity. Our
diversity must be confronted!
It is true that differences cause problems, hurt
feelings and sometimes take long (really long, “late
into the night kind of long”) discussions to
arrive at common ground. But, in the
long run, that really isn’t a bad thing – it’s what helps us know the other
person in our holy mixtures of marriage, family relationships and the other
spheres of our lives (friends, work, church and more).
Today…for you
The message here is:
don’t jump into (or out of) relationships based solely on pheromones and
familiarity; commit to knowing a person inside, spiritually and
intellectually.
Become friends before becoming lovers.
You see a lot clearer then.
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